Leelah Alcorn and Transgender in general.i

Well I guess it’s about time I weighed in on this subject.

In case you aren’t aware, Leelah Alcorn was a teenage transgender girl who comitted suicide recently.

Here is the story from a U.K newspaper: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/transgender-teen-who-committed-suicide-4896027

It’s a tragic story all round and I do feel that there needs to be prosecution of dangerous ‘conversion’ therapists who always cause more harm than help.

This story has brought up an interesting  thought process for me, in terms of that it seems to me that trans voices are invisible outside of new/social media.

Even amongst LGBT circles, it’s not uncommon to hear things like, “Why are we lumped in with trans people, it’s not the same.”

Sometimes I’ve heard worse things, and there does seem to be a lack of empathy towards those identify as transgender.

As a world/society we are doing transgender people a huge disservice, and if you look at suicide rates they are probably the group at highest risk.

Stonewall, at least in the U.K have ignored trans issues, and even today in 2015, there is minimal work being done around it.

In her suicide note, which has been pulled from Tumblr, Leelah stated that she hoped her death wouldn’t be in vain, and that the problems facing trans-people would be looked at.

I have to admit, I don’t have the confidence that much will change, which I feel is a huge shame.

Looking internationally, some of the reaction to Angelina and Brad’s son is symptomatic of what concerns me.

Phrases like, “It’s just a phase,” “they’re forcing their liberalism on him,” and “he was born a girl, he can’t be a boy, a dog born in a stable isn’t a horse,” and other weird things like this.

I accept that some girls are Tom-boys or that some boys are feminine. This is fine, I wouldn’t dispute it, however, identifying as transgender is not the same as this.

Cis-gendered people (people who have congruence between biological sex and gender) often have little understanding of what it is like to have incongruence between the two.

Often, we can say things that are quite harmful to those who identify as transgender without realising the impact.

Education is key here and more needs to be done to provide support to transgender people.

I left school in 2004, and perhaps things have changed since then, but no-one even mentioned transgender as a concept.

I’ve also been involved politically in LGBT movements, and transgender is side-lined, and I accept that I have been part of this problem.

So what can we do differently?

I think we have to make transgender part of the conversation, and we have to try and be supportive towards those who identify as transgender.

Let’s not sideline them any more, and hear their voice, and have conversations with them!

What is the benefit of shaming a transgender identifying person?

Every person is worthwhile and we need embrace individuals for who they are.

Schools also need to make this part of the conversation, so that transgender people can feel able to express themselves as who they are.

Often there can be problems with acceptance in families, and there needs to be a safe space for transgender people, so that they have somewhere they can discuss what is going on for them, they shouldn’t be forced into internet ghettos, like YouTube or Twitter, where professional help is hard to come buy. Peer support is amazing, and I’m so glad it’s there but there definitely needs to be more available.

I’m fortunate to know some wonderful people who are now living as the gender they feel they are, and it is really great to see them happy, and I have had a few awkward conversations about pronouns and names, but I’ve also always let the person lead that conversation.

If someone you know identities as transgender, they’re the ones with the information, and you should always refer to them in the way they feel comfortable.

If anyone reading this has any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll try my best to provide an answer.

And remember, you don’t have to do anything alone.

Sobriety and the festive holiday season

So this tends to be a hard time of year for people on the wagon, because of the prolific amount of alcohol consumed by the General public.

I come from a family who enjoy a tipple at Christmas, and the amount of alcohol available was fairly insane.

It meant that temptation was there, that little voice that tried to convince me that no-would notice, and that I’d done well so far, so I deserved a little break.

Everytime that thought occurred to me, I made a point of ‘playing the tape forward,’ and remembering the aftermath of my drinking and using, which were to a bleak place.

New Years has also been difficult, I went to a 1920s prohibition party, which was in effect a cocktail party, and it was also something completely new to me. It ended up being a test, and I’d always said I’d never test myself.

Luckily, a perceptive barman noticed my discomfort and offered me a non-alcoholic cocktail.

Due to working tomorrow, I also ended my night early, which also helped, as it meant that I left at the point people were wasted.

I managed to have a really good night dancing away, and I actually embraced life for once.

It’s showed me that I’m not deprived by not being able to drink or get high, which is a realisation I never had before.

It has been a tough few weeks, and it always is this time if year.

It brings up some really bad memories for me, and I’ve barely been sleeping, plus I’ve not really been eating either, and I’ve stopped doing the things that work.

I know that this is dangerous, and I’m hoping that writing this will give me the impetus to shake off the complacency that’s set in.

I’d like to end on a positive note.

I’m 22 weeks clean and sober, which is something I never dreamed of achieving.

So with that, I think it’s time for a grattitude list:

Sobriety

Smiling and really meaning it

Better social life

Improved inter-personal relationships

Returned to work

My flat

Better health

Better financial resources

Better diet

Better self-worth

Confidence

I think this is enough of a reminder as to why I wish to stay sober and clean :).

Happy New Year all,

Peace out x

Procrastination

This is a subject I know a thing or two about.

Whenever I have a task/project/activity to undertake, invariably, I find something else to do to put it off.

The fact that I haven’t blogged in a while is an example of this. Although I find focus difficult, once I am suitably distracted, I have this remarkable ability to continue putting things off.

 

This is all fine and well if I do what I set out to complete in a timely manner, however, if I were to miss a deadline, on a repeated basis, then perhaps I’d see this as a bigger problem.

It can be a rather dangerous process, and you can procrastinate your life away if you’re not careful.

I’m a firm believer though, that if we require change in our lives, we our own best ally, and we are capable of change.

For me, self-reflection, as a process is my way into defeating procrastination.

I find that recognising the pattern and questioning it often can lessen it’s impact.

Some people work incredibly well under pressure, so will leave things to the last minute, however, they actually complete them.

 

If you find yourself not completing tasks, than this could be a sign of unhealthy procrastination, and maybe you can take the time to step back and consi der why you are distracting yourself.

Often, the reason is fear, and this is a way of self-sabotage, if you don’t try, you can’t fail.

 

Thing is, by not trying, you’ve already failed.

Challenge those fears, because they may not be realistic, talk about them in your safe spaces, and explore your behaviour.

Above all, remember, you do not have to be a procrastinator!

 

Stay safe x

 

 

 

Equality for everyone, or just for me?

Time for me to get on the soapbox.

One of my values is that I believe in equality for all.

I’ve certainly been involved in the fight for equal rights for LGBT identifying people.

However, at the moment, one thing is playing on my mind. Have I done enough to support equality for other groups?

As an example, have I done enough to help further women’s rights?

On balance, although I am a firm believer in equality for women, and would speak out against inequality, it is clear that personally I have not seen it as my fight.

I wonder why that is? I honestly haven’t done enough, and given that I understand inequality, why haven’t I done enough to support women’s rights?

For me, personally, I think I’ve been a bit complacent on the issue, and there has been an issue with me being selfish.

I’ve fought hardest in regards to the things that personally affect me.

I’ve fought with passion and energy, and maybe I need to look at channeling that into other areas too.

 

This does seem to be symptomatic of some gay men though, and unfortunately, in some gay men there is actually a rampant mysogony, and this is an area where I need to be better.

When I hear it, I need to stamp it out at it’s source, because women’s rights should be my fight.

We all have female relatives and surely, if we care about them, we should care about equality for them?

 

This is a subject that’s given me pause for thought, so over to you faithful readers, have we done enough to ensure equality for all, or are we all caught up in our minority bubbles?

 

 

Going out and maintaining sobriety

One of the challenges for those in recovery is that sometimes, there is a need to change the people you spend time with socially.

It would be reckless to try and stay sober and clean but still go out to the places you drank in with the people you drank with.

Even when the people in your life are understanding it can be difficult to attend social events, because unfortunately, in society, alcohol is an engrained aspect of going out.

 

Going out for dinner can be difficult, because often in the past behaviours were established that can cause cue reactivity.

If you always had a wine with a meal out, then having a meal out can cause that association and while on auto-pilot, you can find yourself fucking up.

 

Personally, I’m using this time to re-discover soft drinks.

These days, there is often a much bigger choice, so you don’t need to stick to a diet coke.

Tonight for instance, I had a chocolate brownie milkshake, and in other establishments, I try different fruit juices, and cordials, and I also find that in places that sell cocktails, are also happy to do them without alcohol.

When stopping drugs and alcohol, I have found that the numbness I used to feel has gone and I can actually taste again, so trying these different things is an experience.

 

Don’t fret if your friends invite you out, just use the opportunity to try something  new, but alcohol-free, and remember if you make the effort to turn up, but make plans to keep yourself safe.

This could be by setting a fixed time to leave, or by considering three reasons that you can’t drink alcohol.

It is also important to let your friends/family know you won’t be drinking, and you can do this without mentioning recovery.

 

Peace out x

 

Recovery

I’ve come to a realisation that although, I have a category on this blog titled, ‘recovery,’ I haven’t really delved into the detail of what that means for me.

So I figured, why not do so now?

Due to a childhood trauma (one I’m unable to discuss currently), I, aged 13 picked up some whisky.

From that point onwards I discovered that this magical liquid has an amazing ability to help me forget, and from that point on, I drank myself into oblivion. At some point in this period of life, I also discovered some other substances that enabled me to forget too, whether those substances gave me a buzz, or brought me down, what they generally tended to do was help me forget.

Unfortunately, due to social conditioning, and my own personal choice, I learned over the years that males do not talk about how they feel.

I buried my anxiety, fear, sadness, anger and the entirety of my emotion.

Day to day I stopped feeling, or at least I thought so.

Every so often, I’d end up in crisis, seek help, but ultimately go back to drinking and drugs.

 

It was the easy choice, I didn’t have to think or feel, and I seemingly functioned. I had a job, friends, family, and my life could have been described as pleasant.

In all likelihood, if you’d asked me, I’d have said it was pleasant.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of mentioning the suicide attempts, the waking up in the gutter, hospital, or even worse a jail cell.

I’d leave out the part where I destroyed my inter-personal relationships, and the part where important people in my life didn’t trust me.

I’d always say I’m never drinking again, I’ve said it countless times.

This year something changed in me, I was fed up of the same old shit, I got tired of lying to myself, and frankly, I’m scared of death. I was killing myself, so with support and love, 13 weeks ago, I made the decision to stop drinking and using.

 

I tell myself I’m not going to drink today, and I’m accepting responsibility for my actions.

 

The next step for me is to start forgiving myself, which I think will be a battle, but it’s one I feel I could win.

Previously, that sentence would have said should, rather than could, and inevitably I would disappoint myself.

With hope and strength in my heart I will try to beat this, taking each day as it comes, and remembering to take that step back and actually think about my emotions.

So, in summary, for me recovery means facing up to who I am, and owning it.

Peace out x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Values

So part of my recovery is to identify my core values, and then assess whether I have by my actions or behaviours, gone against these values.

Doing so, often, can lead to unhappiness.

Before I go onto values, I’m going to cover the unhappiness that can occur from acting against your own, or in this case my core values.

Self as an identity is a huge subject, and perhaps I’ll cover it at some point but for me, there are three kinds of ‘self,’ there is who I want to be, who others see me/want me to be, and then there is who I actually am.

If these differ wildly, it can cause discontent. There’s incongruity between who I am, and who I want to be.

I hold myself to such a high standard and it’s not at all realistic.

While I acknowledge that to err, is human, I still have difficulty forgiving myself for mistakes, even if sometimes they were justified.

I guess I’m going to have to give an example to illustrate. This is quite difficult for me and I’m not sure I’m ready to take this step, but unless I try, I’ll never know.

 

Okay, so while I was drinking, and using, there was a period of my life where I was on the streets.

The money I had, I wasted on booze and drugs. This made it difficult to get booze and drugs. Sometimes I got by on charm, but when I couldn’t, I needed a way to raise money.

This meant that while under the influence, I had sex with strangers or money. Well, at least I think I did, because to be honest, that whole period is blurry.

I remember an older gentleman giving me money and calling me disgusting.

Anyway, the point I’m making, although, long-winded, is that one of my values is to not be promiscuous, and yet in my drunken and drugged up stupor, I did just that.

The scary thing is I don’t even know if we were safe, and really I felt as that gentleman described me, disgusting.

I need to forgive myself for compromising my values, because, without engaging in that behaviour, I wouldn’t have lasted on the streets, I managed to eat when I remembered because I had got that money.

So now I think I’ve demonstrated how comprising your values can make you unhappy, let’s get to my values:

 

• Respect for others
• Protect the life of others
• Help others when possible
• Be an honest person
• Love family and friends unconditionally
• Battle injustice no matter the form it takes
• Be the best person I can be
• Make a positive difference to people’s lives

I could probably list more, but I’ll turn this over to those reading now, what are your values?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety

I’ve already touched on guilt and shame In a previous post today, however, another close friend of mine is anxiety, so I figured that it may be helpful to discuss it.

Anxiety can be categorised as the collection of negative automatic thoughts having a dehabiliting effect on oneself.

 

Anxiety can cause panic, and it is in effect, adrenaline creating a fight or flight phenomenon, without cause to.

 

Anxiety has a protective function, it helps modulate our behaviour so that we do not end up humiliated, but often, in those in recovery, and certainly in myself, those thoughts often become so prevalent that we start to believe them.

 

I often believe them, whether they are rational or not.

Our self-critic cannot allow us to think of ourselves in a positive way, and in effect we beat ourselves up.

 

I personally used to live by the phrase, “I’m an addict, what do you expect?”

 

i never took responsibility for my actions and I allowed my self-critic to rule my thoughts.

These days I have developed an ability to be mindful. I take a step back and challenge my thought processes.

 

Being honest, last night I felt that the world would be better off without me. I found myself at the edge of the platform, and the thought occurred to me, to throw myself under the train.

I feel a certain shame that I actually considered it, but also, there was strength in the fact that I didn’t do it.

I questioned the self-talk that said the world would be better off without me. I asked myself if that actually held true.

Evidentally, I decided it didn’t, and I made the thought go away by challenging it.

This is the thing with negative automatic thoughts and critical self-talk, it often folds when challenged.

 

So if you find yourself thinking negatively, remember to challenge  that thought process and don’t let it win!

 

Stay safe.

 

 

Guilt and shame

Anyone in recovery will tell you that when you first stop drinking or using, our old friends guilt and shame come out to play.

The problem with them is that we had spent so long listening to our inner critic put us down, we’ve actually lost the ability to distinguish between what’s deserved and what isn’t.

Guilt is about a perceived effect of a perceived action. Sometimes, thinking we have done something, even if we haven’t leads to guilt.

With shame, it refers to the way we feel about ourselves.

Often the two can go hand in hand.

A lot of this comes from childhood, where the socialisation process teaches us what is right and wrong.

Often, a consequence of our behaviour can be embarrassment or humiliation.

I certainly remember being told, ‘Don’t do that you look stupid.’

Is that a helpful message for a child? Is it even true?

For me, at least now, I’d rather look stupid giving something a good try, rather than not be noticed through not even attempting.

So, how do we overcome shame and guilt?

We have to analyse our actions or thoughts, if we can’t have changed the situation, then we need to use positive self-talk to counteract the guilt or shame.

It is clearly underserved if nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.

I know for me, I do feel that in some of the causes behind my shame and guilt I could have changed the outcome.

But, crucially, what I try, and not always successfully, to remember, is that it’s human to make mistakes. And a mistake isn’t a reflection on my character!

So over to the readers, what do you need to forgive yourself for?

 

Edited or un-edited?

When we tell people about events in our life, either past or present, there seems to be several versions of what we are saying.

We feel we can trust some more than others, and I guess there are subjects we feel more comfortable discussing with certain people.

For me, I feel like I wouldn’t want people in my life I don’t feel comfortable sharing everything with.

I’ve learnt over the years that when I keep things to myself, it never leads to a good outcome.

Sometimes, I’m not in a position to trust my own judgement so I need a sounding board. I’m lucky to have enough people in my life that I can trust 100%.

Over to the readers now, do you edit, and if so, why?